Welcome to my site! ^_^


"They say there's no such place... as Paradise.
Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there.
No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road.
It just goes on and on.
But, in spite of that...
Why am I so driven to find it?
A voice calls to me...
It says, "Search for Paradise.""



About me

I have a melancholic temperament. I tested 4w5 on the Enneagram.

About half the time I'm a very analytical and critical person, and the other half I'm very chill and like to go with the flow.

I often pretend to be dumber than I really am. It makes people more comfortable because I seem less threatening.

I have learned that people respond better to me when I don't talk a lot. If I talk more, I'm ignored more.

I was emotionally disconnected from both my parents as a child, so as a result, I am very aloof now. My friends often feel insecure because I am never the first to text them or make plans.

Because of the lack of socialization, I turned to my imagination as a replacement. It became a way of life to blend fantasy with reality. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2018.

I get caught up in internal stimuli a lot, and sometimes cry or laugh for no discernable outward reason. A bad habit of mine is turning to exchange glances or smiles with somebody who isn't there.

I wish I could find surrogate parents, but I can't let myself trust anyone for the role, so I just try to parent myself.

I remember forcing myself to develop empathy around 16 years old so that I would be lovable. Unfortunately I did it wrong (projecting myself onto others). So my attempts to help others tended to miss the mark.

I was raised as an unholy blend of Calvinist/Evangelical Christian. I became an agnostic in college and converted to Eastern Orthodoxy in my early twenties.

My favorite Russian novel is Crime and Punishment. My favorite English novel is Wuthering Heights.

I am of Scotch-Irish and Italian descent among other things. I feel closer to Celtic culture and spirituality, but I love Mediterranean cuisine.

I am usually the first one to make a move or confess feelings in relationships. Additionally, the partners I choose are also aloof. Because of that, I suffer from a lot of insecurity as to how much I am really desired by partners.

I don't treat sexual intimacy casually. I am monogamous and extremely jealous for my partner's care and devotion.

I would rather die alone like Jane Austen than spend the rest of my life with a person who is neglectful or otherwise makes me feel unloved.

Even though I am very solitary, I dislike enjoying media or having adventures alone. I like to make memories I can share with other people.

I am a hard worker and try to give 100% to whatever job I am doing. However, I make errors doing repetitive tasks because my mind wanders. I am best at jobs where I get to switch up the types of tasks a lot, such as cleaning, running errands, and problem-solving.

I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with working hard and I feel guilty if I slack off. At work, I feel anxious with too much downtime, chit chat and "water cooler" talk.

Because I am focused on the big picture outcome of a project, I tend to reflexively pick up the slack of others to accomplish the goal. I overextend myself and get burnt out fast if others aren't doing their share.

Even though I'm a hard worker, my depressive nature makes it hard for me to set goals for myself. I find myself only working hard to avoid the countless negative consequences of failure that my brain comes up with to torture me.

When I'm anxious and depressed, often I can't think far enough to focus on higher level tasks, so I obsessively do low level tasks like cleaning and pulling my hair out. This causes me to seem like a neat freak to others, but it's just my panic mode. When I'm in a good mood, I don't care if there are dishes in the sink or hair on my body.

Minimalism

My closet

My cats

My favorite visual novels



My 1997 Nissan Maxima, Miyako

Hot Anime Girls



Hot Anime Guys




My Favorite Foods

Monical's pizza
Pork tamales
Cecina tacos
Snacks

- Real butter popcorn
Desserts & refreshments
- Coconut water
- Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream
- Aldi chocolate-covered almonds
My Aesthetic

My Nostalgia page



My Favorite Music

- Pop
- Dance/Reggaeton
- Ethereal
- Metal
My Favorite AMV's